I’d like to talk to you about…MASTURBATION
A look at masturbation by RIC DENTON
Yes, I said it. One of those words that is germane to all humans, yet one that
few humans like to talk about because most dislike admitting that they enjoy
it, let alone that they do it. Well…I don’t know if I’m being unfair, but it
certainly seems to be the case that the subject makes many people shrink with
uber-shyness. Is it because we fear that others will immediately get a mental
image of us bopping if we say we do it? Maybe. I understand. It’s (typically) a
private thing.
See, I want us to all be comfortable here, to be able to
talk about the FACT that we masturbate without shame. Meaning, I want us to
talk about it without shame, and I want us to do it without shame. Why? Because
it feels good. It’s just that simple. And because it’s good for us physically
and chemically. And because it feels good. And because it’s a sign of a healthy psycho-sexual self-identity. And because it feels good.
So, you may have noticed above that I mention the good
feelings part a few times. There’s no accident there. I believe that we humans
have been directed to avoid things that feel good to us by far too many moral
decrees out there and I, for one, am here to tell you that you can ignore—even
push off a bridge (ok, not really)—anyone who tells you that masturbation is a
“bad” thing. They just aren’t doing it right, clearly.
Now, I’m not here to tell you how to do it. I think that
most people reading this article know their own style of getting themselves off
by now, or are exploring new ways as time moves forward. AND GOOD FOR YOU!
What I am here to talk about, and to blow to smithereens, is
the idea—the stigma—that masturbation is a sad
thing, something that is reserved for those who do not, or cannot, get sex on
the regular. And don’t even tell me that mentality doesn’t exist out there
because I know it does. I actually had someone say to me, “Well, I don’t
masturbate, and why would I, because I can have actual sex with another person,
and as long as I can do that, I see no need to masturbate.”
Really, dude? Bullshit.
You mean to tell me that the other person you supposedly get
to fuck whenever you are horny satisfies ALL of your fantasies? Wow.
Ok then. If that is the case, then you are truly lucky because you found a fucking
unicorn in human form. And, if that really is the case and it works, then go on
with your excellent, nearly-impossible-to-comprehend sex life.
But, for the rest of us, who are very multi-layered and, in
my opinion, need different things depending on the day: there’s porn.
GAH! THAT OTHER WORD!
Yes, people, we like porn. Let us just say it. WE. LIKE.
PORN! And some of us even love it because—WOW!—all the different flavors you
can access out there! And what did we learn from
studying Sigmund Freud? Huh?
Twat was that? I cunt hear you... Oh, yeah! The brain is the most powerful sex
organ in the human body. When you stimulate it properly, all kinds of magical
things happen, and then you get to play with the magic and BAM! Sparkles and fireworks
and whatever else your end-result looks like.
Yes. What I am advocating and pushing here is the concept
that self-love really is the best love because it is our first love. You know
what Ru-Paul says every week: “If you can’t love yourself, how the HELL you
gone love somebody else?” And she’s right, on more than just the emotional
level. It’s simple, really. When you have learned how to show yourself the
level of self-respect and kindness that is self-love, you innately come to
understand how to treat others. Likewise, when you learn how to touch yourself
and have explored all the ways you think feel good to you, then you can
interact with others sexually to do those awesome things to them (Ever play
with vibrators? Holy SHIT!), or you can ask them to do things to you that you
like on your own, and it’ll take you to a whole new level of letting go. Seriously.
Think of masturbation as on-the-job training for when the rubber hits the ass.
Or vagina. Or whatever it’s hitting.
All of this being said, I think we all know when and when
not to have conversations about such an intimate topic. This is not
water-cooler conversation at the office, unless you have some special
relationships with a co-worker. Or three. But who’s counting?
Again, this is a dialogue I’m opening up for you so that if
you are one of those people who are squeamish about the subject, you can,
hopefully, begin to relax and truly enjoy intimacy with your laptop on any
given night (or weekend afternoon), and not feel bad about the fact that you’re
not in a sexual relationship right now with another person. Be in one with
yourself, and learn what makes you truly hot, then pay that forward.
Before I go, I’ll address the weird questions of those who
are in relationships already and are struggling with porn issues: “But if I
am dating/fucking someone, why do I
still want to watch porn?” OR “Why does he/she want to watch porn? What am I
there for!”
Well I’ll tell you: You’re there for when the time is right for BOTH of you to
have sex. Are you always in the mood at the same time? Does it always feel like
you’re in sync and that you’re truly in the moment and connecting? No. It does
not. And that is the reason that YOU like to watch porn when your partner isn’t
around or isn’t in the mood. People are on different sexy-time cycles, and it’s
perfectly ok to admit that you need a virtual surrogate if your partner isn’t
ready or available. Ok? Ok.
The obvious red flag is, of course, that if you or your
partner is always choosing to watch porn or masturbate as a preference to
having direct physical intimacy…it’s time for counseling, to open the
relationship up (because I don’t believe in prolonged monogamy, but that’s a
whole different post to come), or to just let go of each other and move on.
Every relationship has a shelf life. Every one of them, no matter how hot the
sex might seem when it happens.
So. You do you like nobody else can do you, and I promise
you will learn a thing or two, and I believe you will be able to relax and have
better sex because of it.
Beyond Ru-Paul’s advice, I think Madonna summed it up best:
“It’s human nature.”
Go with it.
Follow Ric Denton at Facebook.com/RicDenton
When Supernatural
first came out, I distinctly recall it being billed as "Buffy for
boys," but it became obvious pretty early on that the show was actually
"Buffy WITH boys" and that the audience was very interested in seeing said boys in varying stages of undress. And to Supernatural's
credit, they found that perfect blend of giving the audience what they
wanted while simultaneously making fun of them a little for wanting it
in the first place.
